Of Cricket – and Simians!

A trans-continental battle of words is raging in – and in the middle is the poor simian who has nothing whatsoever to do with the men in flannels. Our ancestor he may be, or so says Darwin, but what did the poor monkey do to be dragged into the cricket pitches in Mumbai or Sydney? Far from bowling the cherry or wielding the willow, our cousin has never ever entered any cricket ground anywhere in the world. And then how come it is in the middle of this muddle! I am simply bowled over!

I am one of the greatest fans of Australian Cricket. If any one has any doubt, please look up my post “Salaam Shane” (21^st December 2006) where I paid tribute to that much maligned Wizard of Oz. I strongly believe that the imperious Hayden, scintillating Ponting, majestic Gilchrist, breathtaking Brett Lee and the one and only Andrew Symonds together lend much distinction to the world of cricket. No one can question their total and unwavering commitment to the game and their supreme professionalism: it is another matter that they play hard, real hard at that, no doubt about it. For them, to win a game is of primary importance – how they do it, is immaterial and irrelevant. If one underarm ball can win the game for Team Australia as Guru Greg and brother Trevor decided against the hapless Kiwis some time ago, so be it – to hell with purists and puritans, rules and regulations and the so-called spirit of the game!

It begs the question, though, what has a monkey got to do with cricket? Has it got something to do with the stiff rivalry that has evolved between India and Australia, even rivaling the battle for the Ashes? Is it that the Australians find it difficult to comprehend how the `timid’ Indians have suddenly started sledging them - the masters of the art - much to their discomfort and discomfiture? Or is it possible that that Ponting and Co. are yet to digest the fact that their full team of world champions was beaten to a hat-trick of world championships by an Indian team which did not star any of their top stars? For, the `monkey business’ between India and Australia had started shortly after the Twenty20 tournament in South Africa last year.

I am a great fan of Andrew Symonds too. Those doubting my intentions may please see my post “Of Kathakali and Cricket” (20^th December 2006) where the accompanying photo featured Symonds in full flow. His aggressive batting, wily bowling and unmatched athleticism on the field are any team’s envy. But, tell me, why should Symonds have any grudge if Indians treat their cricketers like heroes and idols? This was one complaint that he made to many newspapers immediately before the Australian team landed in India last year after the Twenty20 championship. He had another grievance as well: that Indian cricketers are paid a lot of money and other facilities! Pray, isn’t the money coming from Indian coffers and not from Canberra?

If Indians, bereft as we are of world champions, do treat our Twenty20 cricketers as heroes, why should Symonds be complaining? And for that matter, if the BCCI pays money from its treasury, why should Symonds shed tears? Probably, that is part of the mind games that big boys like Andrew and his ilk play the Aussie way! We puny little Indians give them a run for their monkey – I mean money – and they are rattled; they could never ever imagine that Perth or Melbourne could be a monkey-run for us Indians or that we too could indulge in some monkey business!

Any way, we Indians have an affinity for monkeys – that is something that the Australians should have known all along. We may not all wear monkey suits or may not be good in monkeyshine, but we acknowledge our lineage from Australopithecus! We venerate Lord Hanuman and his brigade, we feed them every Tuesday, and we respect them and their habitats. If the Aussies have any doubt on this score, the next time they are on tour, bring them to New Delhi where, right outside the seat of the President of the Republic, the Prime Minister and the Government of India, they will find the “Bandar Chowk”, so revered by all babus and others who vie with one another to feed the simians bringing all traffic to a standstill on the Capital’s busiest street! So, if poor Bhajji became a monkey menace to all the Aussies, it can all be attributed to our regard and respect for our ancestors. Yet, the Kangaroo court of Mike Procter and others found Bhajji guilty of racial abuse! Symonds needn’t have bothered at all: that was certainly no monkey trick by the Indians.

Nor did the Indians use a monkey wrench in Australia this time or ever before to grab wickets. They did make a monkey out of some great names of Australian cricket by their clever bowling is another story – and the Australians got around it, albeit with some help from a couple of friendly umpires is yet another story. But, as Ponting asserts, their “integrity” cannot be questioned, even if the cameras had a different story to tell. Symonds says that he was upset because Bhajji had patted friend Brett Lee on the      back with the bat. How come Brett didn’t get excited, by the way, and how come it was left to Andrew to take up the cause of the injured butt of Brett?

When we are on stories and the rear, I remember a story of yore: BS Chandrashekhar of the famed spin quartet was in action once in New Zealand. Almost every second ball that he bowled would have fetched him a Kiwi wicket but the friendly neighbourhood umpire was unmoved, much to Chandra’s chagrin. Eventually, Chandra bowled a ball that had the Black Cap’s woods shattered. The intrepid Chandra then walked up to the umpire and asked innocently if the batsman was indeed out. The umpire countered, `What do you mean?’ And Chandra retorted, “I know he is bowled, but is he out?” I suspect Kumble and his teammates would have had similar questions to ask in the Kangaroo land!

Speaking of the rear, would anyone kindly recall an Aussie wicket keeper by name Tim Zoehrer who played the season with the national team 1985-87? Check out, and you will come to know of `Zoehrer’s Ass’ or the `ugly assie’ (and not Aussie) who dropped his pants and displayed his rear to the players, the umpires, the crowd and the world – where else, but in India! (The media politely left out the `r'!) Well, that would certainly fit the phrase, to make a monkey out of – in the instant case – oneself! So much for fair play, that too in the revered gentleman’s game!

Coming back to cricket and monkeys: I am left wondering when the word `monkey’ came to be connoted racist! Any answer?

Many teams from the West Indies, Kenya, Nigeria and Zimbabwe, all with coloured players, have played in India for years and not even once have we heard of a complaint of racist comments against them by the Indians. They might have had complaints against umpiring, facilities, food, weather and the like but certainly not about racism. So, how come suddenly we hear of Indians being racists on cricket fields?

Incidentally, does any one remember why Muttiah Muralitharan refused to play in Australia? Records have it that several Australian players repeatedly taunted Murali and Sanath Jayasuriya calling them not just monkeys, but `black monkeys’ and sections of Aussie spectators too were heard abusing them in similar terms!

And incidentally, again, how many of us would remember that the `respected’ Australian player Darren Lehman was the first cricketer in the world to be found guilty of racist comments? So much for the Aussies’ respect for the spirit of the game and sportsmanship!

I do not, however, agree with Peter Roebuck who said that Ricky Ponting should be sacked for setting Aussie cricketers like `wild dogs’ against the Indians: that is not cricket, I would argue, with due respect to the learned Roebuck; that is too harsh on Ponting and his team who are celebrated artistes and craftsmen of the game. But Ponting, Symonds, Hayden, Clarke and Gilchrist would do well to cricket if they stop monkeying around with this gentleman’s game. Play to win, by all means and at all times, but win or lose, be gracious – at least once in a while. After all, cricket is what made them famous, and the game is more important than all of them put together…

Photo/cartoon courtesy: The Internet

Disclaimer: Neither the accompanying picture nor the names referred to in the post is intended to tarnish the image of any one player. On the contrary, I hold each one of the above mentioned cricketers in high esteem. The post may be read in context only.